How to break up with your girlfriend

So how’d you do it Tom? How’d you escape from her? Well, the secret lies in 5 quick and not easy steps:

1. Stop talking to her: I was thinking, why am I still talking to her? Just stop.
2. Throw away all her stuff: her photos, gifts, clothes, social media, etc. Sad, but so is seeing her face everyday.
3. Get away from her: Move. Otherwise, she will use her womanly charms and witchcraft.
4. Remember the bad times: which one do I remember? Her talking to another guy on the cruise? Her smoking everyday when she promised to stop? Her waking me up at 11:30 to tell me I hurt her feelings like every night? Her dumping me every other week? Her using me as an emotional support animal rather than as a boyfriend? Her acting like a total asshole when she’s high? Or finally, her telling me she’d rather smoke weed than be with me. Fuck that.
5. Find something else to think about: This could be your new job, or better yet a new girlfriend.

Leigh, if you read this, I’m not mad at you, just disappointed. You’ve shown me such much love and kindness as well as that sometimes, that’s not enough for a relationship to work. I wish you the best and hope you can beat the depression/drug addiction. We had many great memories together, but this is the end of the road for me.