Mel’s Place and the psy-chic

Yesterday, Julien, Matt and I went to Mel’s place, a geriatric bar: seated at the tables are tech people from work while the 80+ crowd plays electronic slot machines. The benefit to going to this bar is that once 8pm hits, the place unsurprisingly clears out probably to watch golden girl re-runs.

Surprisingly, the tech support crowd isn’t there. Matt and I get seated at the bar, next to unicorn lady, the psy-chic with a glittering white unicorn backpack. No she’s not a unicorn but she is a psy-chic. She still has her Ihop apron on. She seems to be pleasantly surprised to see me and remarks that I’m here without my friends. Maybe she doesn’t see Matt: when she does, it’s love at first sight.

Matt remarks that his birthday was yesterday; he’s 32 now. Again, geriatric bar. Psy-chic immediately asks Matt for his astrology sign which of course prompts Matt to begin a discourse on the history of astrology in which she agrees that “Caesar changed the number of months from 13 to 12.” The bartender, Heather, walks over: she’s 30 something, portly, bartenderly indifferent. I order my usual blue moon while Matt gets a margarita (?). At this point, psy-chic is madly in love with Matt, orders a lemondrop drink (vodka + slice of lemon) for him, and starts showing him pictures of her cosplaying in suits that probably wouldn’t fit now; one is her in a gothy dress with oreo-like crumbs around her mouth, the other is so blurry, I don’t know what she’s supposed to be: her S5 phone screen is badly cracked. I attempt to zoom in, which leads Matt to shout out, “stop trying to zooom in on her tits!” lol! Matt looks up at the television, which in bars, always seems to be playing sports.

Matt: (looks at Lakers basketball team) “HEY GUISE! THERE LA-BRAWN! DO YOU SEE HIM!??”

Me: lmao

Bartender: (glances at screen, glares at Matt)

As Matt points out, they seem to be good at handling lakes (?). Psy-chic is melting and asks Matt if she wants to go back to her place. Matt’s going. Julien arrives. Matt gets him a lemondrop. Evidently Mel’s place has “lit lemons.” The lemon slices taste like most lemons I’ve tried, but I’ve only had one beer at this point. Psy-chic recognizes Julien from last last week. Julien orders a brown ale. Bartender remarks that she’s having a bad day because her 15 year old cat died. Julien tries to commiserate with the bartender, “15 years, yea thats a good age.” Matt immediately blurts out “Hay Julien! 15 years is a good age huh!?” lol. Journey onward, we are all going to psy-chics place which is around the corner.

Outside, psy-chic is trying to get Matt’s number. It appears Matt is adeptly providing his instagram only, because he just wants to increase his follower count. She says to follow her on her bike at which point I mention Matt rides bikes too: she rides a bicycle and “only likes Harleys.”

We get to her apartment. Matt exclaims that we almost died in the parking lot fighting a gollum. She opens her apartment door:

One is immediately greeted by a pungent odor of cat piss, poop, and febreeze. Yes, she warned us that she’s not responsible for anything that we see, breathe, smell, experience, taste, sense, in her apartment, but this is still unexpected and breath taking. The living room, has many packages filled with stuff. On the left is a tank with what looks like a python. And on the right side of the room is another tank with a bearded dragon. She opens her room door, we go in, and she locks the door behind us. (!)

Her floor looks like artwork; a kaleidoscope of stains, furballs, hair, socks. Julien, being the gentlemen, begins to take his shoes off, presumably to prevent messing up the floor art: I leave my shoes on. Her paintings hang on the walls and dressers; a broken tv in one corner, a cloth tapestry hanging from the ceiling, empty beer cans grace all level surfaces; she points to a trippy looking painting and states she painted that while she was on acid. Stuff. She wants to read Matt’s future with her tarot cards. She whips out three decks of tarot cards. She begins to talk about how she believes in science and that I can’t hold the decks due to the “energy transfer.” Julien is not sure of the science behind this idea.

Matt loudly exclaims, “I don’t want the beginner deck!!” LOL! He points to the ornately embellished deck; its an “arthulian” deck which means it has pictures of dudes with swords. Matt imitates a knight wielding a sword.

Psy-chic: “do you want to know your love life?”

I don’t recall Matt’s response. She tries to explain that Matt is not being serious with the blonde, smaller lady in his life and that she doesn’t take him seriously, which doesn’t seem to be accurate. Listening to Matt troll Psy-chic’s tarot reading is hilarious: “Is there a death reading?! I spit fire dy-lann dy-lannn dy–lannnn!” Psy-chic says she only has positive readings and again tries to explain that she’s scientific because dolphins get high and so does she. Matt’s not having any of it and as she tries to explain his love life, Matt states, “Yea I’m a virgin. and that’s bad,” and then burps. lmao.

It’s time to go. She seems to want to paint with Matt next time. We leave. The end.