Conquer my fear of rejection by the ladies.
1. Establish communication with at least three ladies before I can go home.
1a. Acquire numbers
– I must go alone to maximize awkwardness
– alcohol, dress shirt, jeans, breath mints, and my good luck dragon belt
Things I’d rather be doing:
– snorkeling in a sewer pipe
– spending an evening with rosie o’Donnell at golden corral
Location: Grain Bar, fifth floor of Hilton
Description: upscalish bar with patio overlooking the bay
Approach 1: (two early 20’s ladies sitting at circular table on the patio)
Me: hey, hows your evening going? (I sit down)
Lady 1: (glances up, goes back to stuffing cell phone in her face)
Lady 2: (lots of makeup, looks like a zombie) Good. (She goes back to staring at cell phone)
They get up and leave.
Approach 2: (lady sitting next to firepit on patio)
Me: (I sit down next to her and I don’t say anything)
Her: Hey, do you smoke? I don’t but my friend here needs a cigarette.
Me: no I don’t.
(silence. fire is crackling)
Me: There are two cigarettes in the firepit there, I’ll get them for you? (I grab the half-smoked cigarettes from the firepit and plop them in front of her)
Her: (She says she needs a lighter even though theres a huge frikin fire in front of her)
I forget the remaining conversation. Her name is Nicole and her cigarette addicted friend is Morgan
Approach 3: (I’m still on the patio sitting next to the fire, sipping my disgusting budweiser while enjoying the warmth radiating from the firepit)
Lady: (approaches and sits next to me: only chair left)
Me: hey hows it going?
Lady: (I forgot what she said) Are you military?
Me: no, are you?
Me: oh cool, what do you do?
Lady: I’m military police. How old are you?
Me: Oh I’m olddd.
Lady: how old?
Lady: Ohh. You look 19. (she leaves)
Bonus approach: As I’m sitting next to the fire, someone behind me keeps bumping into my chair: oh it’s a drunk guy.
Drunk guy: oh hey I’m sorrryyy. (spills beer)
Me: oh no problem
Drunk guy: hayyy whats your favorite movie??!
Me: Anne of green gables
Drunk guy: (pauses) okk, whats another favorite movie?
Me: lion king
Drunk guy: ok? ok? (visibly struggling to think) ok you uhh need to sit here andddd uhhhh thinkk about your favorite movie mkay??
After about 5 minutes he or his friends bumps into my chair again. I turn around,
Drunk guy: heyyyyyy! I’m on your team. (he puts his arm around me and almost spills beer on me)
This appears to be my sign to leave. I stand up,
Drunk guy: Weee are going to get pizzaaa. You’re coming with us. (turns and yells something about pizza)
Somehow he introduces me to his two lady friends, Sicari? and Emma. Sicari is southeast asian, perhaps from Indonesia? Emma has fair features. Both are cuties. 1am pizza with drunk guy and cute friends? I decline. In retrospect, I should have gone.
Location: Eagles Nest
Description: disappointing looking place sandwiched between walmart and the DMV
Approach 1: (brown hair lady holding a hard cider next to the bar nearest the dance floor)
Me: hi hows your evening?
Her: Great! Hows yours?
She works in retail. I tell her I’m a computer nerd. We watch people struggle to ride the mechanical bull. I decide to go ride it.
The lady operating the mechanical bull is really pretty. She’s petite and has tattoos across her chest.
Me: How much is it to ride the bull?
Bull lady: It’s $5 and you can ride all night.
(guy next to her): If you tip her, she’ll go easy on ya.
Bull lady: People think that I get the $5 but I’ve only made $6 in tips tonight!
Well yea, your job can literally be performed by a monkey. But whatever, I tip her $5. She puts a bracelet on me after I sign a waiver, presumably about not suing if I break my neck. I get on the bull. She starts moving the bull around in circles. Boring. I give her a thumbs up sign. I think she thought that meant go psycho and starts making the bull buck left, right, sideways, diagonal: I fall off.
Approach 2: (lady staring at her phone, sitting by herself)
Me: hey how are you?
Me: have you ridden the bull?
Her: (no reply, ignores me)
Approach 3: (three ladies at a circular table near the dance floor, people line dancing to loud country music)
Me: heyy, how are you guys?
(pause, I don’t know what to say or do)
Me: have a good night!
I see an old lady prancing around selling pink roses. I buy one from her and give it to Approach 1 lady. We say bye.
Ladies approached: 6+
Numbers aquired: 0
Number to lady ratio: 0
Objective completed: yes
Notes: Do not approach lady if her cell phone is out.