Not to be outdone by Trump’s tremendous state of the union, I proudly present my world first State of the Tommy address:
One score (thats 20 years in Lincoln language) and 10 years ago, I was conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, but wahmen are more equal. The last couple of years a new optimism is sweeping across Tommy. Each day since, I have gone forward with a clear vision and a righteous mission — to make Tommy greater again, and to find a girlfriend.
Over the last year, I have made incredible progress and achieved tremendous success, having met like three wahmen in real life. One of which, I still talk to, Princess Leia. In fact, I just went to dinner with her and it was tremendous.
So let us begin today by recognizing that the state of our Tommy is strong because our Tommy is strong.
After years of wage stagnation working lame jobs in college, we are finally seeing rising wages. Unemployment is zero percent since I’m employed. African American unemployment is zero percent also, since I am not African American.
The era of wahmen surrender is over.
*30 minutes of hurrah! hurrah!*
From now on, we expect relationships to be fair and to be reciprocal. That means I’m not begging wahmen for dates, waiting for replies days late, or trying to divine your thoughts.
And we will protect Tommys emotional property, through strong enforcement of our wahmen rules. As we rebuild our industries, it is also time to rebuild and workout since I’m skinny like a beanpole.
Here are the four pillars of my plan:
1. advance my career
2. eat more, workout more
3. schedule activities in my free time
4. ??? -> gf
As long as we have confidence in our values, faith in our dating sites, and trust in our God, we will not fail.
Thank you, and God bless Tommy.